Jobsworths manifest themselves in a whole range of guises, from public spaces to private property. Perhaps their greatest stamp of contribution to society remains the simple instruction note. In this first article of the series, we examine a genuine jobsworth note up-close and assess the key traits to look for when spotting the real thing.
Increasingly, notes are word-processed. This serves to create a more authoritive position and to reduce the chance of recipients not being able to read it clearly. Of course, it also removes any personal touch and flaws the Jobsworth may have (typically very few in their own assessment, but never-the-less, closely guarded secrets).
Below, in a note conceived as recently as yesterday, we highlight key hallmarks of a jobsworth instruction, recognisable in over twenty-two centuries of records.
It is worth noting that a jobsworth will be fixed on the notion that there is only ever one correct way of doing things, and this, without exception, is their way. This is not open for discussion or reason – there is no alternative.
Jobsworths do not always enjoy having to put others right, but find their motivation to have things the ‘correct’ way far out-weighs any ill-feeling towards them they might endure as a consequence.
To summarise (your guide to spotting a genuine jobsworth instruction):
- Notes tend to be word-processed
- Exaggeration of the problem
- Alarming, authoritive tone
- Inflexible, non-negotiable
- Rambling, rhetorical, usually including emboldened text
- Anonymous
- Collectively against you, with or without endorsement of others
Will Pickvance - Extra-music rambles 
Hi Will
Firstly I should like to say “Jesus, not that fucking wardrobe thing again?!”
Secondly, on a more sympathetic note…
Would you agree that the term jobsworth is synonymous with the term, and I say it not withstanding your perfectly reasonable revulsion of such a term – a revulsion I witnessed first hand while performing in a recent piece of yours entitled, ‘An die musik’ – and recognising that it is logically and circumstantially possible that minors may set aside their x-boxes and iphones to log on to this site and come upon this comment, cunts?
And before excising all the sweary words from my last comment, which would of course denude it of its meaning, I was talking to Alain de Botton yesterday and he agreed that a jobsworth is indeed none other than an ordinary cunt.
Though Chris Hitchens thought that perhaps Alain and i were mistaken in a matter of degree and assured us that jobsworths are in fact merely wankers.
At which point Will Self chipped in with the suggestion that the term might be qualified with the addition of the term fuckin’ before it.
Anyway, at risk of lowering the tone of our blog I’ll stop now.